What We Don't Remember
by easytigergrrr
Summary: The mind is a tricky thing full of ideas and memories, both useless and useful. But you never understand how important it is, how much you need it till you lose it.


_**What We Don't Remember**_  
Title: What We Don't Remember.  
Author: aintsosweet.  
Genre: Drama.  
Rating: PG13  
Warnings: Suicide, slash.  
Disclaimer: I don't own HP but if I did Percy would have a bigger part!  
A/N: My styles just a bit disjointed so be patient. I'm rather new at this and in desperate need of a beta so please be kind and enjoy!

Also **bold **is filler for you. _Italics_ is memories or flashbacks so to speak. And then there's everything else.

_**

* * *

**_

_**The mind is a tricky thing full of ideas and memories, both useless and useful. But you never understand how important it is, how much you need it till you lose it.**_

* * *

The official report is that he threw himself in the path of a dark curse to save the life of a young wizard. The official report at least which strikes him as funny for some reason, perhaps because there is no unofficial report. It all matters little to him anyway he can't remember it. He can't remember anything. All he can do is rely on people who claim to know him. Subconsciously he knows he should be worried but he can't bring himself to care, in fact instead he feels frustrated and just a little desperate._

* * *

__The rise to consciousness was gradual for him, not quick and painless but slow and achy. The soft murmur of voices in his ear had become like a dull roar in and out. The darkness behind his eyelids had started to steadily lighten. His lashes fluttered once, twice then opened completely. He was lying on the floor at the bottom of the steps leading up to his apartment._

"_What happened here?"_

"_This man fell down from the third floor."_

"_How, was he pushed?"_

"_Witnesses say he jumped sir."_

_The voices slowly filtered out of his ears. Everything was quiet and he was so tired. The darkness crept in and he knew no more._

* * *

The doctors say the memory loss is to be expected with trauma as extensive as his. At least he thinks that's what they said. His attention wavered once the sobbing started. The gut wrenching, heart stopping crying. Vaguely he feels ashamed but mostly he's pleased because that means she cares like a mother should. He needs to know that more then anything. More then the ever present question that lurks just beneath the surface. What's going to happen next?

* * *

"_It's a miracle he'll be able to walk away from this."_

"_He's got someone watching over him that's for sure."_

"_Have we found the next of kin yet?"_

"_Their on their way."_

* * *

They treat him like he's made of glass never pushing him, always letting him go at his own pace. It frustrates him because he doesn't know what his own pace is anymore. They should but they look at him like he's a freak for not knowing. They smile sadly; he can't stand those smiles, and whisper behind their hands. Not for the first time he wishes he knew what they were so afraid of. Why all the knives were taken out of his apartment. Why everyday he takes two blue pills in the morning and two at night. They were supposed to help him remember but each day he felt like he was forgetting more.

* * *

"_Look Percy it's just not going to work anymore."_

"_Oliver what are you talking about?"_

"_Us. It's just my career-"_

"_You're choosing your career over me then? Quidditch over your boyfriend?!"_

"_Perce-"_

"_Get out. Get the hell out and never come back!"_

* * *

The first time he visits him it's awkward. Not so much for him but for the other man. Every time their eyes meet he looks away. It's almost like he's ashamed yet Percy can't figure out what he might have to be ashamed of. Their lovers or were lovers, at least that's what his touch says, so gentle and loving as well as possessive at the same time. He knows he should shy away; this man had hurt him once long ago. Or maybe not, he wonders if it really matters just as long as he keeps him warm at night. He's always cold. Even when he throws on layer after layer, cranks the heat up, starts a fire he's always cold.

* * *

"_Percy you're sick, you need help!"_

"_What do you know about it?!"_

"_Percy the stairs, did you-"_

"_Yes."_

"_That wasn't the first time was it?"_

"…_No."_

* * *

They want to honor him for his selfless act. Present him with a medal or some other silly trinket. All he wants to do is burrow back under the covers and sleep. He could sleep for hours if they'd just stop bothering him. They never do. Oliver comes by everyday and just sits with him for hours. Sometimes they go out and the curious looks he gives him suggest they didn't used to do this a lot. It makes him happy to make new memories, memories that belong strictly to him now and not the old him.

* * *

"_You have to stop doing this Percy please!"_

"_Why do you care? No one else cares!"_

"_Don't say that, what about your mum and dad? Your brothers and sister?"_

"_What about them?"_

"_What about me?"_

"_I just want to forget you."_

* * *

He knows his family wants him to remember. There's an answer hidden somewhere in his head. An answer to a question he doesn't even know, won't know unless his memory returns. Vaguely he wishes he could help them. Mostly the question frightens him more then the answer does. He isn't that person anymore, can't possibly be him anymore. For the first time in what he suspects may be a long time he's happy. He wants to be whole and new again for Oliver as well as himself, Oliver who desperately needs for him to forget his old life. Some deep dark secret they have in their past together. It just doesn't matter anymore to him because he is loved. He's pretty sure even his old self would have been content to just forget and live.

* * *

"_Ma'am, regarding your son's condition."_

"_Yes doctor?"_

"_Based on previous psychological tests performed we believe your son might have purposefully thrown himself in the way of the curse as a way of committing suicide."_

"_You're sure?"_

"_Well it's impossible to be completely sure but in this case, based on his previous attempts and on his mental stability at the time it is a strong possibility."_

"_I see. Doctor?"_

"_Yes?"_

"_Please don't tell him of this discussion. I'd rather he not know what he did."_

"_If you're sure. You do realize that certain changes in Percy's daily life must occur?"_

"_I do."_

"_Very well then."_

_**

* * *

**_

_**How the mind works is a mystery. Only recently have scientific advances shed some light on its inner workings. One thing however remains the same; it's easy to lose your mind much harder to lose your heart.**_


End file.
